I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
