I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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