Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
