I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I love black thongs
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
