My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that