apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company