I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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