if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
