UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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