At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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