apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
love makes seman taste better
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
