I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
