Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
