I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
