Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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