She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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