you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
