flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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