I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
