its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
