i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
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