I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
