Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
