I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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