I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
