Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
