My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
