i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
