Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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