I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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