So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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