I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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