He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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