alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
