I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
