3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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