Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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