Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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