I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
