First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
