When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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