Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
