Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
