it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
