Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
