my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
