You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
