I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
