Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
