Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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