That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
