barbara walters just said penis...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
