There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
